Don't Forget: New York is f-in wierd.

I've been living in Bed-Stuy since January, almost a year ago. First of all whoa. Second of all I've got stories that begin with "I was walking home from the train one night"

this summer as I approached my apartment on a rather chilly evening I heard someone running behind me. What was unique about the sound was the slap slap slap slap of his feet o the ground. He was running on the street, barefoot, thru Brooklyn. Crazy right? And then he passed me, stark naked. This man was not in broad daylight, but definitely visible. He passed a car full of Saturday night party-goers. And they all went crazy. If someone wrote a sketch called "naked man running" where it was a normal scene happening and then all the sudden someone streaked across the stage, people would go CRAZY.

My roommate was walking home one night while talking loudly on his Iphone. and then was was _____. OBVIOUSLY. Don't be an idiot roommate. that's like walking around counting a wad of cash. I don't want to sterotype and say white gay men are stupid, but that? that's pretty fucking stupid. Bed Stuy is not a wealthy Chicago suburb.

Carrying my equipment home from a gig one night a man stopped and said "oh! well I have to offer to help." I smiled and said thank you, I'm ok" and went on my way. And he persisted to follow, telling me "All you have to do is give me your number and I'll help you" So, I laughed and said "NO, thank you. though." so he followed and kept remarking on how heavy my things looked. You know what's funny about chivalry? It evolved a little and turned into men being assholes.

A man with a tiny arm in a business suit just walked by. I hate to even have the first instinct to remark upon it, but it exists. Because lets dace it, how often do I get to see a man with a tiny arm. unless it's in a sketch where Kristen Wiig is popping bubbles behind fred armisen, it's been programmed in my brain, tiny hand = hilarious.

the tide rolls in
a cart rolls by
this is paradise
only slightly well made
well manicured
the ocean pours itself onto the shore
pours itself onto itself

Rain cues me to stop
look out
you won't be here forever
and the sun is shining briefly
on you

how easy it is to lust after the ocean
it's power
palpably fleeting
waxing poetic before me
marvel the expanse, unending horizon

Bury me at sea.

Hey
hey
You left
I know
I missed you
We were done.
So many memories to
forget, I know.
I loved you
I loved you
Godd I'm glad.
It wasn't just me
I know.
I wish I had time
To hold me. I know
You're right.
I know.

You have to go?
I do.
OK. allright.
I know.

Hey Mehgan, saw you found your glasses before I left :) let's hang soon. -Dave (the drummer you danced with last night)


Bear!
Why did you have to be there!?
Why couldnt you be somewhere else
Please?

-I came into the room this morning and John was screaming like a girl
-Because there was a mouse!
-Because our cat was playing with a yarn toy.

because I had bad energy. how effing weird is that!

this woman is a mom ->

<- this woman is not.

how fuckin weird is that?

I was riding on the C train a week ago and a lady panhandler came onto the train and started in with her handle. It went like this:
Good morning ladies and gentleman. I am here today lookin to get some money for breakfast. I am homeless and have not eaten yet today, and any little bit will help. I am just trying to get ten dollars for breakfast.

She must have been going to the all you can eat homeless lobster buffet.

I went to Ann Coulter's house for lunch yesterday. She invited me and a few other women of influence to talk politics and business. It was great, we talked about the republican candidates, swapped recipes, and did some burlesque hoolahooping. The weird part of the day came when she made smoothies for us. I couldn't bring myself to drink it. She made them with aborted fetuses, for the protein element.